H is for Hogwarts
by Smerby
Summary: Having a tough time remembering characters? Or who did what, and how they did it? Read this piece which was nominated for a Pulitzer prize AND an Oscar!


**The Hogwarts Alphabet**

**A** is for Argus, basically a janitor. Hogwarts is his home where he spreads like cancer. Always walking in the halls, he never gets to sleep. Upon the departure of the Weasley Twins, he began to weep.

**B** is for Bellatrix, a right old bitch. She is Sirius's cousin, hard to catch like a snitch. Having escaped from Azkaban, she began to wreak havoc. For Voldemort has no wang, which made her start to panic.

**C** is for Crookshanks, Hermione's familiar. He's not completely all cat, so he's a slight bit peculiar. He ran into walls a bit when he was just a kitten. He began to favor Sirius Black and grew quite smitten.

**D** is for Dumbledore, the best wizard that ever lived. With long white beard and purple robes, he loves to give and give. No one is in ill favor of the wise old warlock. Especially McGonagall, with all her Gryffindor pluck.

**E** is for Evans, Lily's maiden name. She was what old Prongs thought to be fair game. After fighting and feuding, their torment finally stopped. They hopped into bed, and out Harry popped!

**F** is for Fleur, the blonde, quarter-veela. She came from France, which Ron found quite appealing. She loves her little sister; Gabrielle is her name. The Goblet of Fire tournament found Fleur last in the game.

**G** is for Granger, last name of Hermione. Hair like a beaver, her name rhymes with "heiny". Witty, pretty, and just a slight bit smart. Hermione is courageous, and will never become a tart.

**H** is for Harry-- who else would it be? Potter is his surname; he's the leader of the golden three. Star of a series of movies and books. He's got a deal to go through before Voldemort cooks.

**I** is for Ickle-- Duddeykins, that is. Cousin of Harry, who gets Dudley quite pissed. He's a great deal spoiled, resembling a whale. Dudley is just short of Draco from going to hell.

**J** is for Jordan, last name of Lee. Best friend of The Weasley twins-- two, not three. Announced Quidditch, and offered comic relief. Funniness, trickery, and dread locks bore he.

**K** is for Kreacher, a damned house-elf. He's part of the reason Sirius is on the shelf. Old, weakly, and deeply prejudiced. Kreacher most likely needs to see a specialist.

**L** is for Luna Lovegood, commonly known as Loony. She's a kind little witch who's a tad bit moony. Recognized with bulging eyes and blond hair. Could Harry find a possible love interest there?

**M** is for Malfoy, Draco and Lucius if you please. Counting Narcissa that's blondes times three. Death Eater and evil to the core. Money and power they simply adore.

**N** is for Nymphadora, who you know as Tonks. Clumsy and funny, she enjoys to talk. Young and in the Order, she is quite the opposite of a Black. She fights for the light, and won't turn her back.

**O** is for Ollivander, maker of wands. If it wasn't for him, Harry surely would be gone. Phoenix feather and Holly would Harry's wand be. The feather's twin went to Must-Not-Be-Named, He!

**P** is for Peeves, the poltergeist. Pranks and jests are what he does with feist. Enoys taking away from angst and drama. Peeves would be sure to pay a visit to your mama.

**Q** is for Quirrell, do you remember him? He was far worse then seeing a grim. Easily manipulated by the dark lord. Quirrell is a professor now abhorred.

**R** is for Ron, Ronald Weasley. Red hair and freckles pick him out easily. Best friend of Harry, and a good chess player. For showing grimaces, he does have a flair.

**S** is for Snape, Potions Master. Most say he's a right old bastard. Others simply swoon at the sound of his voice. How you see him is your choice.

**T** is for Trelawney, that misty-eyed professor. Teaching Divination, she is quite the opposite of a repressor. Make sure that you predict an early death. But she often displays the Sight, don't you forget.

**U** is for Umbridge, who looks like a frog. Hogwarts she took over, and the Weasleys left a bog. Magical decrees not welcome in the halls. As of now she could be licking a pair of Centaur's…

**V** is for Voldemort-- don't gasp at his name! Tom Riddle is what he was born as-- yes, I know, it's lame. How can someone so evil have been called by that? Ask all those who fell in attempts to stop his threat.

**W** is for Weasleys, possible numbering the hundreds. Red hair and freckles, they are quite their parents blunders. Different personalities ranging from annoying to funny. Percy is the first to abandon his lack of money.

**X** is for Xylophone, which no character plays. X is a hard word to find a match, you could say. Not only is X a hard word to find. X is also a hard letter to rhyme.

**Y** is for young, which the Hogwarts students are. Sprightly witches and wizards, in Rowling's books they're stars. Growing up fast is what they unfortunately have had to do. Hopefully they will grow strong together, and maybe take a poo.

**Z** is for Zabini, the famous Blaise. Deciphering the character's gender left readers in a daze. J.K revealed that Blaise was male, without trying to be coy. FanFic authors wept and cried-- their Zabinis weren't boys!

**The End!**

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**Note:** Well, this was just a little humorous musing I did one evening. I know it's stupid, and doesn't flow as well as it should, but I hope you enjoyed it. Please review! Thanks for reading!

**(Revised 11/22/07)**


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